828 - It’s Not My Wife’s Job To Make Me Happy

This past weekend, Stephanie and I had a very unexpected encounter at the park on the Fourth of July.

We had no plans for the holiday weekend, which was unusual for us. Stephanie noticed that she had a very specific Fourth of July longing in her heart: grilled hot dogs, macaroni salad, watermelon, potato chips, and a simple picnic in the park. A little later in the day, after finishing a project I had been working on, I decided to see if I could help make that happen for her.

So we packed up the car with food, blankets, chairs, a folding table, supplies for Leo, and even my amateur radio gear in case I had the chance to do a Parks on the Air activation. We found a shaded spot at the park, set everything up, and began preparing our own little Fourth of July picnic.

While we were there, a young man named Alex approached us. He had been sitting in his car nearby with his infant child. He told us he had been watching us and wondered if he could ask a question. He could tell that Stephanie and I had been together for a long time, and he wanted to know the secret to a lasting relationship.

Stephanie and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary next month, and we were both happy to share what we have learned.

My answer was simple:

It is not my wife’s job to make me happy.

Early in our marriage, I believed that part of Stephanie’s role was to make me happy, support me, cheer me on, and help me feel the way I wanted to feel. I also believed I was responsible for making her happy. Over time, I learned how much pressure that belief placed on both of us.

One of the most transformational lessons I ever learned was that no one else can make me angry, sad, hurt, or happy. My emotional state is connected to the story I am telling myself about what I am observing. When I began to take responsibility for my own emotional state, it removed an enormous amount of pressure from our marriage.

Stephanie shared that one of the biggest keys for her has been communication. Not just saying the words, but doing the work to make sure the other person actually understands what you mean. We learned early in our marriage to ask questions like, “What I hear you saying is this. Is that right?” That practice has helped us move through misunderstandings, disagreements, expectations, and emotional reactions with far more clarity.

In this episode, I share the full story of our Fourth of July picnic, our conversation with Alex, and the marriage lessons that have shaped nearly three decades of life together.

I also talk about the difference between loving someone freely and trying to manage their emotional state. I am not responsible for Stephanie’s happiness, and she is not responsible for mine. But we are both free to love each other, serve each other, listen to each other, and create beautiful moments together.

That freedom has changed everything.